An Evening With: The Rootman

Ladies and gents (if you are scratching your head wondering who the lady could be, it's probably you), I haven't been around much lately. I both freely acknowledge it and apologize for it. But I think two post weeks from here on out should make up for it.

Which brings us to the debut of the 'An Evening With' blog. The goal is to entertain and inform by portraying a new owner each week through the looking glass (mine) of an 'Inside The Actor's Studio' mixed with an 'Outakes' (Dan Patrick for those of you who have seldom followed sports outside of the internet) sort of interview blog.

Some questions will be centered around sports, and other will not. A few will not be sports themed, but will have a sports twist.

My goal is to pump out each 'An Evening With' blog on Mondays or Tuesdays so make sure you check your email Sundays and Mondays to see if you are being called upon for that particular week.

Without further ado; Mr. Ryan Wilson Root!

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BB: Ryan, you have been known in various fantasy circles associated with this very league for quite some time. Tell me, when did you hit rock bottom, or have you hit it yet?

RR: Well, only the good Lord knows if I have officially hit rock bottom in the fantasy world. I sure hope so, because I just might kill myself if I go win-less in any given football season (last season was cutting it too close for comfort). I think I hit rock bottom this football season when a misunderstanding between myself and the fantasy gods occurred and I drafted Vernon Davis with my second overall pick......ugh.

BB: It has been said you like to deal. With whom do you get the most joy out of trading with?

RR: I used to loved to deal with a guy that you, Ben, know only too well. His name was Jim Wells and he used to be apart of our fantasy world. He was fun to make trades with because he traded for his favorite players, regardless of their fantasy value. I also used to love to deal with you, Ben, back when we both were in college and you weren't the fantasy giant that we see today. I always tried to draft Eric Chavez before you did so I could rape you in a trade later on in the season.

BB: Fascinating! If God was the owner of your fantasy team, what would he say?

RR: "I didn't make that. I claim no ownership of that team. I know I'm supposed to love all people equally, but......man Ryan, that's a bad team."

BB: Your honesty is breathtaking! In your opinion would Ty Cobb have voted for Barack Obama? Don't answer that. No, wait... DO IT!

RR: In my opinion, Ty Cobb would punch Barack in the face if he saw him on the street. Then, he would secretly invite him over for a candlelight dinner, tea, and a game of Pictionary. They would cuddle in front of the fire and talk for hours. The next morning, Cobb would literally kick Barrack off of his property, just to save his blatantly racist reputation.

BB: Shockingly disturbing. What is your favorite fantasy word?

RR:"Mike Shanahan's hellish backfield". I know this is a phrase and not a word, but I've seen it used more than once in fantasy blogs and I absolutely love it.

BB: And your least favorite fantasy word?

RR: It is a tie between two:

First........"expert". These fantasy professionals have the title "expert" added to their job title, but I don't think they are worthy of such a title, at least most of them aren't.

Second........."man-crush". I used to love this hyphenated word. In fact, I personally used it early in my fantasy career. However, now it is a word that is way overused and should be put to rest. Taking a line from Mitch Hedberg, it's kind of like pancakes; at first you're excited, but then after a while, you're sick of 'em. It's the same thing here. Way too overused and should be put to rest, at least for a while.

BB: Your intellect goes unmatched. If you could contract any team in this league and ban the owner from fantasy sports forever who would it be? Why?

RR: My first response to this question was to plead the fifth because I'm too nice of a guy to choose one person. But then, I decided to go with my gut, so I would choose Doug Downing. He is my choice because he's consistently too good for me to compete with, he's a Padre fan (I hate the Padres, regardless of how many times you, Ben, forget that) and I'm incredibly envious of his many sports experiences, such as the World Baseball Classic.......fag.

BB: Wow, harsh. But that'a kid, way to man up and answer the question. Why didn't trolls work out in Santa's workshop?

RR: Because they were too busy changing their skidmark-stained, stink-filled diapers.

BB: If you could create your own version of the infamous, "Tur-duck-en," with non-birds, what three animals would you use, and what would you call it?

RR: I'd make a Man-Bear-Pig. It would be half man, half bear, and half pig. I am so super cereal. (If you have never seen South Park and don't understand that reference, I feel so incredibly bad for you.) But for real, I would make a Pi-Cow-Alo. It is a kobe beef burger, stuffed with bacon and then topped with a boneless buffalo wing. Finally, add lettuce, onions, tomatoes, pickles and special sauce and put it on a sesame seed bun.

BB: Surprisingly enough, that sounds rather scrumptious. Let's play a quick game of word association. I'll say a word or phrase and you respond with the first thing that comes to your mind.

BB: Britton; RR: Sean Connery

BB: Zoinks!; RR: Scooby-Doo

BB: Last place; RR: My team last year

BB: Authority; RR: F*** (Pennywise......Ben, you know)

BB: Billy Beane; RR: Too smart for his own good

BB: Kevin and Cory; RR: Gay?

BB: Chris Cooley's blog; RR: Cheerleaders

BB: Wow you refrained from making a penis reference. You're a better man than the rest of us.

BB: Billy Butler; RR: Triple-A

BB: Elton John; RR: The Bitch is Back

BB: Eagle, Colorado; RR: Death2TheRapist (it was one of my old fantasy team names)

BB: Marvelous! We'll wrap up with a few more questions.

If you could replace any actor, in any SNL sketch, who would it be and which sketch?

RR: It would be a three way tie between John Belushi as the Samauri, Chris Farley in the Chip n' Dales sketch, or David Spade in the Matt Foley motivational speaker sketch (I would want to be David Spade simply because I want to see Chris Farley do what he did up close and try my absolute hardest not to pee in my pants from laughing too hard.)

BB: If you had been a serial killer, what type would you have been?

RR: I would have been a protege of Theodore Kaczynski. I don't have the stomach to do what Jack the Ripper did and I don't desire to rape men like John Wayne Gacy. Instead, I would probably kill certain people without having to personally witness the carnage, except of course if it was Paris Hilton. In that case, I would definitely go all "Zodiac Killer" on her.

BB: Ryan, if you could be any beer, which would you be?

RR: Oh man, that is such a great question, especially for those of us who are serious beer drinkers (hand raised). I know the popular answer would be Arogant Bastard Ale for obvious reasons, but I think I would have to choose Mississippi Mud. I would choose Mississippi Mud because it is a mixture of light and dark beer and can be served both cold or at room temperature. This reflects me because I am not a one-beer type of guy. As long as it is beer, any kind of beer, I'll drink it.

BB: You certainly are the alcoholic the rest of us can only dream of being! And finally, if you could say anything to anyone, what would you say and to whom?

RR: I would talk to Roberto Clemente, Payne Stewart, and Stevie Ray Vaughan and tell all three of them to postpone their trips and take the next flight.


BB: I am both roaring with laughter, and wallowing with falling tears at the same time. Ryan Root, it has been nothing short of a delight to spend an evening with you.