Cory's
Two of the top three teams, David being the wing man to Doug's Iceman, faltered leaving us with but two undefeated teams. Where will they be ranked? Let's go to the judges.
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The 'I'm Only Winning If We are Playing USC' Tier
(Teams that can't be ranked low enough)
12) Longies
Don, I may not know you personally, but I know your team blows. You are making Britton and I look bad. Kevin and I may not agree on
MVP- Do, I actually have to pick a player here? Not a single Longies player (who is decent) has a favorable match-up. I'd take Pittsburgh's Def. at gun point.
LVP- Pick a player, any player. Let's go Warrick Dunn against Green Bay. Dunn isn't a starter, and is going up against a tough defense. Ergo, he'll suck-o.
Doghouse Dandy- Roy Williams. With another uninspiring performance, 2 points, Roy is nearing the danger zone (second Top Gun reference). If Williams doesn't start proving his worth, it may be wise for Don to deal him for a more reliable keeper.
11) Bye Bye Brady
Ritz, I love what you did to Doug. I really did. But if anyone thinks Ronnie Brown will ever again in his entire career, approach a 41.5 points fantasy week again, they are out of their ever-loving mind. It took an other worldly performance from Brown to get you your first win. Because of that you only get a small bump in the ratings. But still a bump.
MVP- Laveranues Coles gets the nod with Welker out, though admittedly there isn't much to live for with Cory's bunch this week. I don't like Don's team right now, but it is too tough for me to see a scenario where Ritz stays clear of the basement two weeks in a row. Don will beat Cory this week.
LVP- Roscoe Parrish, if Ritz leaves him in his lineup even though Parrish is already ruled as out for the game. If Cory wises up and benches him for Reggie Brown, well then it's Reggie Brown. He stinks. Really it's lose lose with this one.
Doghouse Dandy- Tom Brady. Cory won last week, so Brady remains in the doghouse.
10) First Down Syndrome
Dan drops a tier this week. I just can't defend him as having a good team anymore. I want to, I really do, but I can't. Even if Braylon Edwards remembers he has a pulse, Dan still will likely remain in the bottom three or four teams.
On a more positive note, Dan wiped the floor with Matt by dealing Torry Holt for Chad Johnson in a move clearly designed for next year.
MVP- Braylon Edwards. You heard it here first, this will be the week Edwards finally shows up. Those Quinn for Anderson whispers will quiet for a week as well. The Browns are playing Cinci for cripes sake. How can Edwards not go off?
LVP- Rashard Mendenhall really shouldn't have opened his mouth, or his cell phone, this week. Until then Mendy would have been a fairly good sleeper play for Dan. Now if he nets more than 26 yards on the ground Dan will have to view it as a successful week.
Doghouse Dandy- Mendenhall in advance for said reasons above.
The 'Alec Baldwin In The Cat In The Hat' Tier
(Teams that clearly haven't reached their potential)
9) Ocho Cinco de ByeBye
Matt finally got wise and took a break from Matt Cassel, but I don't think J.T. O'Sullivan was the man he was looking for. At least Peyton will take the reigns after his bye week.
MVP- Marion Barber, now and forever.
LVP- Torry Holt. Most people knew not to trade for the aging, clearly declining Holt. Matt however is not most people.
Doghouse Dandy- Todd Heap. Good Lord Todd, 2.5 fantasy points on the season? Even Vernon Davis doesn't have numbers that low. Yikes.
The 'Keanu Reeves Everyone Knows I Suck, But At Least I Made Point Break' Tier
(Teams that will be bad, but have had a little luck)
8) CedricBenson4Pres.
For the second week running Rootman beats out four teams. He appears to be finally moving up in this league. No longer the laughing stock of the league (a title currently held by Doug) Root is out for blood against all those who have wronged him. Unfortunately he has lost his past two match-ups and is only 1-2 on the year.
MVP- Marshawn Lynch should destroy the Rams. I'm talking 25+ points here.
LVP- Tim Hightower. Not this week. Not agaisnt the Jets.
Doghouse Dandy- Vernon Davis. Let him go man. If you love someone, set them free. Set Vernon free Root, for all of us.
7) Big Balls
Reid, you are 2-1 yet you have a terrible team. Just an over-all gloomy bunch. I don't get it. I see to see you win one more time before I move you up from this tier. Beat Jerad and I'll believe.
MVP- Phillip Rivers. Someone called Mo-Jo correctly last week (though it's hard to brag about that since he was playing the Colts). This week it will continue to be the Phillip Rivers show. Reid can expect three touchdowns, one to Chambers and two to Gates.
LVP- Patrick Crayton very well may be the most inconsistent player in the entire NFL. One week he shows hope by catching 6 passes for 82 yards (week one) and the next two he catches two balls for 23 yards combined. Reid I don't envy you, but if I was you I certainly wouldn't be playing Patrick Crayton.
Doghouse Dandy- Ricky Williams. So much for the preseason reports that Williams would be getting the starting nod in Miami this year. Ronnie Brown just peed on that notion.
The 'Who Are You? No Seriously, Who Are You? Tier
(For teams that haven't found their true identity)
6) America's Team VII
David, man, what a fall from grace. Losing your week three match-up to Jerad, and dealing Peyton and Ward for Steve Smith and Kellen Winslow will do that to you. You need a pick-me-up, and handing Doug his second straight loss could be just the medicine.
MVP- Drew Brees. San Francisco has played well, but if they couldn't stop Seattle's pathetic passing attack, they won't stop Brees and company.
LVP- Vincent Jackson will be the only Charger who doesn't do much against a weak Oakland team.
Doghouse Dandy- Randy Moss. Only 26.5 points? I know Brady is gone, but still, let's see a little bit more motivation Randy.
5) SWEEP THE LEG!!!
I help run The Leg, and even I don't quite know what to make of this team. With a 2-1 record, and Housh, Gates, and L.T. finally showing a little what-up-in-the-hood, things are looking up in the land of the leg sweeps.
With that said, Burress is an idiot and this is a team still quarterbacked by David Garrard and Jon Kitna. If the Jags and Lions can't win with those cats, can STL!!! trust them? I just don't know.
MVP- L.T. is back. He doesn't have to get all the yards, so long as he scores the touchdowns. With that said he should get both against the Raiders.
LVP- Chris Johnson is a G, but shouldn't do much against Minny.
Doghouse Dandy- Britton and I are so pissed at Plaxico it's unbelievable. What a jackass.
4) Alf II
Kevin's gang of bangers, destroyed Don clearly taking hold of the greatest expansion team in the history of this league title (there have only been two). Can he keep shocking the world? Will he start beating teams that are actually decent? I don't know, but I do know that Kevin and Cory are
MVP- Brandon Marshall is quickly becoming one of the most reliable receivers in all of football. This is largely due to the fact Jay Cutler throws to him roughly 70% of the time, covered or not.
LVP- DeSean Jackon will remember he's a rookie against Tampa Bay. Maybe then Kevin will stop offering him for the likes of a Braylon Edwards. Then again, he probably won't.
Doghouse Dandy- Ahman Green shouldn't look to shed this title anytime soon. Luckily Kevin just picked up Slaton.
3) Natrone Means Biznas
I'm going to keep this really simple Nick. If you trade Big Ben (and maybe manage to dump LJ on someone) you will probably end up in the top-2 with the way Jay Cutler is playing. That's it.
Ok I lied. If that was totally true you wouldn't find yourself still stuck in this 'Who am I' tier. Trading Ben will help, but you need an upgrade at a few key spots before I can totally back you as a sure-shot major contender.
MVP- Jay freaking Cutler is going to carve up the Chiefs. I expect 300+ with four TDs. Don't let Nick down Jay.
LVP- Steven Jackson. All is not well in Ram Land. I would have said L.J. but he played very well last week so perhaps all hope isn't lost for him just yet.
Doghouse Dandy- Big Ben shouldn't be getting his lunch handed to him by Cutler. It would be one thing if Cutler was just slightly outplaying him, but Ben's -2 points last week represent a total suckatude that hasn't been exactly what Nick was looking for when he kept him this year.
The 'I Simply Cannot Crown A Team Who Just Lost To Cory Ritzau' Tier
(Self explanatory)
2) Evil Petting Zoo
Doug, losing to Cory is just embarrassing. No one cares if Ronnie Brown was responsible for five touchdowns. You still should have beaten the league's doormat. But you didn't. It takes a real
MVP- Frank Gore. This just in, New Orleans doesn't play defense very well. I know, shocking isn't it.
LVP- Brandon Lloyd, though I feel like this is just redundant at this point. Take it from a Niner fan, Lloyd wasn't good then, and he isn't good now. Don't play him Doug. Resist the urge.
Doghouse Dandy- Jake Delhomme has played his way to the bench, and seemingly for good. Delhomme has played so poorly it prompted Doug to make a total panic trade, in which he got crushed exactly what he was looking for in McNabb.
By the by, for all of you new league members, this is Doug's second stint with McNabb, and the first one didn't end well. I'm guessing this one won't either.
The 'You're The Best, Around!' Tier
(For the best around)
1) daytwodaddy
Jerad promised us a new team name, or rather, his old team name again (Chewyschamps) but judging by his 3-0 record, and top of the mountain ranking, I somehow doubt we see the name Chewy re-appear this year. Jerad can keep his No. 1 spot in the T-MOF polls by disposing of Reid this week.
He should be able to do it.
MVP- Tony Romo is staking sole claim to the starters chair over Eli Manning. Ironically enough I too owned both of those QBs a mere two seasons ago. Let's just say Romo is a lot better now. Jerad might want to consider dealing Eli for more help at another position, though even if he doesn't he has the tools to win it all.
LVP- Jerius Norwood against Carolina isn't very appealing. Then again neither is Jerry Porter against anyone. I'll take Porter as the LVP by a nose.
Doghouse Dandy- Ronald Curry who couldn't even beat out Norwood or Porter for playing time this week.
That's all for this edition, if you disagree with me, let me hear about it.
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7 comments:
for all the hating on old bill simmons, your tier's are eerily similar my friend. plagerism? quite possible. maybe next week you can have a "sport's gal" put her picks for the week next to yours, and call that idea yours as well.
They already have a Sports Gal feature... its britton's power rankings... or maybe ben is the sports gal... after all he finished second to shawn johnson in female with the best chance to play in the NFL... But dont feel bad Ben, she would be talented
I like how Simmons must be the guy I ripped off, as if no other sports writer uses tiers.
Did I rip off Olney when I first started posting links a year and a half ago when I started writing at this site by posting links (I still obviously use that format)?
I must have.
Who did I steal MVPs, LVPs and the Doghouse Dandy from?
Was that Simmons?
But in all seriousness, I honestly can't even begin to tell you the last time I read something of his that wasn't posted on deadspin.com.
A special thanks is in order to Dan Miller for coining the term bromantic this week. It's only fitting that it made it's debut in reference to Kevin and Cory.
Is Kristen Cory's "online" persona?
Wait ... I get crap for McNabb when one of the guys I dealt for him is on someone else LVP list? I know Donny and I have had some rocky times, and yes, he has Delhomme breating down his neck, but a panic trade, I think not.
there is no rhyme or reason to his logic doug. you just nod your head and go on your way. well this could be a tough week coming up having to play my boyfriend buddy and all. I propose we just bench all our players cory so we can share a tie!
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