My name is Ryan Wilson Root. In the past, I have also answered to the names: Ryan Root, Ryan, Root, Ry, Rootman, Rootdogg, Ry-guy, Ry-fry, Roto-Rooter, Rescue Rooter, Rootie Tootie, etc. (honestly, all of these were nicknames in junior high). I am 26 years young and I am currently residing in the sun-scorched, cow-infested, illegal immigrant infested, two railroad having, incest-breeding, meth-producing, pregnant teen having, welfare getting, illegal gun owning, illegal gun firing, gang filled, stray cat-infested, crawdad and hepatitis infested creek having, drought-suffering metropolis called Merced, California, also known as California’s crotch (just so you know, Bakersfield is the armpit). I really love it here. You should come visit some time. Hey, it’s the “Gateway to Yosemite”, so that’s a good thing, right? Right? (ed. note: I didn't edit any of this. This is all real straight from Ryan. My God.)
How did you come to join this league?
Okay, in our baseball league, I apparently “peed” all over the idea of a short bio (according to Britton) (ed. note: And others), so I’ll keep the next two answers short. (ed note: Incidentally enough, this is already the longest bio we have... after 1.5 questions) I have been in this league since its conception as a keeper league, due to a longstanding love/hate relationship with both Britton and Ben (we went to college together). By the way, did you know that Ben’s favorite baseball player is Willie Mays, aka the best switch-hitter in history? You should ask him to tell you about how Mays learned to switch-hit, if he hit better left or right handed, and why there has never been any documented picture or video of him switch-hitting (it’s a conspiracy, or so Ben says). (ed. note: Haha, Ben you queeah).
What NFL and NCAA team do you root for?
Okay, okay, so I didn’t make that short. Shoot me. (ed. note: Gladly!) I’m just making up for those of you who will write a total of 33 words for this entire bio. You know who you are. Moving on. My favorite football team is the San Diego Chargers. Now, I feel that I need to expand on this. No, I did NOT become a Charger fan once they were good (the LT and Gates era). (ed. note: Yes, you did). I have been a Bolts fan forever, even when they had Humpty Dumpty quarterbacking for them and their wide receivers couldn’t catch a cold. (P.S. Natrone Means was a beast, Marion Butts was fun to make fun off, Junior Seau makes great wings and Leslie O’Neill was a phenomenal pass rusher who just plain got too greedy.) As for my NCAA team, I root (haha, get it, root, get it, get it!?!) for UCLA. My dad went there and it’s kind of a family tradition. Okay, now that I’ve pounded out the first three questions, time to move on to the extensive, long-winded part of the bio. (ed. note: Sweet lord almighty).
What is the most memorable real life sports moment you have ever experienced?
I know I could lie here and say something outrageous like, “I was there when Jose Canseco took a baseball off his head and it bounce over the wall for a home run.” However, I feel that I have more class than that. So, I would have to say that the most memorable real life sports moment I have ever experienced was when I personally witnessed Roberto Clemente record his 3,000th hit. It was a beautiful double off the wall in left field. You should have been there. Man, that was cool. (Fine, it was when I went to the 1992 All Star Game with my dad in San Diego. The atmosphere there was phenomenal. Plus, I got to see my favorite pitcher at the time, Dennis Eckersley, absolutely destroy the NL lineup in the 9th. I also got to see the old-timers game, which was awesome. Was fortunate enough to see Reggie Jackson hit a home run off of Rollie Fingers. That was cool.) (ed. note: That was the longest use of the parentheses ever. And reminds me that you told us you had more class than that once upon a time)
What team in this league would you most NOT want to win and why?
What team in this league would you most NOT want to win and why?
Mine. I say that because maybe I’ll give my team an “anti” jinx and win the whole thing. Hey, it could happen.
Why is your favorite sports movie the sexiest ever?
You can’t argue against Sean Astin and his tight, gold football pants (insert Homer Simpson drooling moan here). (ed. note: Umm, what?) No, Bull Durham is the sexiest sports movie ever because it combines painfully funny moments with a headhunting pitcher obliterating the skull of a mascot (at least that’s what I imagined happened under that bull head).
Which female athlete would best cut it in the NFL?
Okay, I have to say Anikka Sorenstam. I say this because, according to extensive research conducted and gathered by Stewie Griffin, she is in fact, a man……no sorry, a fraud. Well, I guess that’s the same thing, huh.
Which is the most tedious and rage-filling option; Skip Bayless, Woody Paige, Matthew Berry, Joe Buck or John Mellencamp?
Joe (expletive deleted) Buck. I hate that man. He is the worst commentator since Dusty Baker. Ben, you know what I’m talking about. (ed. note from Ben: Don't involve me in this)
If 'they' were making a movie about your athletic past, what actor would play you?
Oh dude, it would be Sean Astin (ed. note: If you were thinking what I was thinking when you came to this man's name for the 2nd time in the same bio, you were probably thinking that Mr. Root is a little gay for Sean Astin), except instead of playing in the last game and being the hero, he would break his nose in the playoffs and have to sit on the bench during the championship game.
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