Ben's Jumbelia: Week 3

Gentlemen, John Clayton and TMZ.com appear to have conflicting reports regarding the disappearance of our wonderful commissioner. Regardless of which reports are accurate and which rumors are tall tales so enormous and random, it's as if they came straight from the Britton Dennis playbook, I feel obligated to give the fine people of this league what they desire; some good old fashion ramblings from a mediocre wanna be journalist. Enjoy.

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The Jumbelia blog will consist of a few basic things.

-Team rankings
-An MVP for the upcoming week
-An LVP for the upcoming week
-A Doghouse Dandy award, for players who aren't exactly leading the club in favor

It may consist of a few more things, such as...

-Blatant bullying (only when an owner deserves it)
-Numerous below the belt jabs (only when an owner deserves it)
-Not so funny jokes (deal with it)

What I can promise is a good read full of lots of spicy things, when added together equaling one tasty blog.

(And the only blog for times when Britton goes MIA on us)

The rankings will be presented in a tier system from worst to first.

(I bet Cory won't be first)

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The 'I'm Making A Your Mom Joke To Someone Who's Mom Died Young' Tier
(Teams that can't be ranked low enough)

12) Bye Bye Brady
Cory stinks. His best player (active) is Earnest Graham, which is never a good thing. His most played player by Yahoo! users this week is Wes Welker at a whopping 77% which is not a good thing.

MVP- Wes Welker should take the cake this week. His Miami match up dictates that this should be a good week for him.

LVP- Tom Brady, who will forever be Ritz's LVP, though since this is supposed to be for the upcoming week, and players actually playing on the roster, I'm going with Edge in a toss up between him and Ronnie Brown. Neither will play well, but Edge will play worse.

Doghouse Dandy: Sorry Tom, it's still you until further notice. You cut Cory deep.


11) Longies
Don is ashamed that he is losing the expansion team battle. I'll tell you what would help Don; more than zero points from Carson Palmer in two games. That would be a start.

MVP- Greg Jennings, who doubles as Don's point leader through two weeks. Jennings should blow up the Dallas secondary in their Sunday night match up.

LVP- Dallas Clark, though if Willis McGahee doesn't play again it will be him.

Doghouse Dandy- Carson. Carson. More Carson. Palmer has stunk. McGahee hasn't played yet, but still, it's Carson. Good Lord, Carson.

/Carson


The 'Alec Baldwin In The Cat In The Hat' Tier
(Teams that clearly haven't reached their potential)

10) First Down Syndrome
As much as I'd like to rank Dan higher, I simply can't. He has a proven fantasy track record, and a fairly decent team, with a ton of upside. But Dan, I agree, you are probably a year away.

MVP- Brett Favre, because if Cutler can do it Favre can do it. Either San Diego will come out of the gates on fire due to the Hochuli call (no jokes, we all wish him well) or they will break down and falter under the weight of that defeat. I'm guessing they'll fall flat on their faces as Favre throws for three TDs.

LVP- Rashard Mendenhall. Only six points thus far, and I doubt he will get much more than his average this week either. All hail Fast Willie!

Doghouse Dandy- Braylon Edwards. I would love to name Mendenhall here, due to Dan's awkward pre-draft feelings about the man, but Braylon is supposed to be one of Miller's horses. He's performed like a dog. Hence, the doghouse.

(Bad joke sighting!)


9) Ocho Cinco de Mayo
I didn't think there was anyway I would ever get any enjoyment out of Chad Johnson's new name, but Matt found a way to make me smile. Matt doesn't have a powerful bunch, but he does have Steve Smith, Dwayne Bowe, Chad Johnson (at least yahoo hasn't changed his name) and Marion Barber. He should win a few with that quartet, but don't mistake him for a serious contender yet. His best days are ahead of him.

Way ahead of him.

MVP- Marion Barber. Green Bay has a great defense, but Barber is good enough to make them squeal. They will.

LVP- Steve Smith. It's not fun to play Minnesota's defense. Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith will find that out the hard way.

Doghouse Dandy- Matt Hasselbeck. Ask Seattle fans how he's played. To be fair it's not entirely his fault.

I'm not fair. Neither is Team Cinco de Mayo. Hasselbeck appears to have lost his job.


The 'Keanu Reeves Everyone Knows I Suck, But At Least I Made Point Break' Tier
(Teams that will be bad, but have had a little luck)

8) CedricBenson4Pres.
Root does not have a very good team. He does have a win though, which is more than the previous four teams can say. Root needs Colston back in the worst way. That and Maroney to stop sucking.

MVP- Marshawn Lynch. Buffalo is going to have the ball a lot this week against Oakland. This should lead to Lynch getting a lot of the rock.

LVP- Vernon Davis. When will this end? As a Niner fan, I'm asking, no I'm pleading; when will this end?

It has to be soon, right? As in, no one will draft Davis next year period, soon.

Right?

Doghouse Dandy- Laurance Maroney. It would have been Davis, but we all knew he'd suck. Heck we all knew Maroney would suck too. Still this award belongs to him.


7) Alf II
Kevin is totally going to bitch about this ranking, and how low it is... blah blah blah. It is what it is though, this is the perfect section for Kevin. Rodgers has played better than he consistently will, and Marshall won't ever catch 18 balls again, and he has at least as good of chance spending as many weeks in jail this season, as on the field, if not a greater chance.

All in all, Kevin has played well, but I'm still betting he finishes closer to Don than Doug.

(Don still has the better team for the future as well)

MVP- Brandon Marshall won't catch 18 balls again, but he will be Kevin's best player.

LVP- Aaron Rodgers. This is in comparison to his expectations. Not the league's expectations mind you, but Kevin's. Kevin loves him. I mean, loves him in an almost eerie way.

Doghouse Dandy- Ahman Green is always in some one's doghouse. This year it's Kevin's.


6) Big Balls
Reid is another guy who is probably playing over his head. But then again, maybe he's playing under his head. Who knows.

MVP- Maurice Jones-Drew. It's time. The Mo-Jo will finally be flowing like wine in the Reid clubhouse.

LVP- Jonathon Stewart. Not this week. Not against Minny.

Doghouse Dandy- Maurice Jones-Drew, but he won't spend much more time in the doghouse. He is about to break out.


The 'Who Are You? No Seriously, Who Are You?' Tier
(For teams that haven't found their true identity)

5) SWEEP THE LEG!!!
At 1-1 this is a team that could go either way. They appear to have the right tools in place for a run, but if LT can't stay on the field, it will be a rough journey ahead.

Which reminds me of an actual conversation that took place over AIM between Kevin and I today.

Kevin (10:57:06 pm): LT sucks
Kevin (10:57:19 pm): and he's a girl and doesnt play hurt
Ben (10:57:37 pm): sure you are right
Ben (10:57:38 pm): LT sucks
Ben (10:57:49 pm): he has a proven track record of sucking
Kevin (10:58:44 pm): he did last year
Kevin (10:58:48 pm): in the playoffs
Kevin (10:58:50 pm): little girl

So there you have it. LT sucks, and he's a little girl. Kevin also stands by his assertion that Julius Jones is better than LT. I'm serious.

And he wonders why I ranked him so low. Frankly, I should have ranked him lower after those comments.

MVP- Plaxico Burress is going to absolutely light up the Bengals. Put it on the board.

LVP- Jon Kitna should get his yards and probably a score or two, but like usual he's always good for a couple of picks.

Doghouse Dandy- T.J. Whosha-man-please-for-the-love-of-God-show-us-something!

/championship!


4) Natrone Means Biznas
Nick has a case of the Zoolanders. As in, "Who am I? God, is that you?" With the production he has gotten from his top two running backs, I can't quite figure out how Nick is 2-0.

Ok, I'll be fair, LJ is not better than Fast Willie, so it's just terrible production from two of his top three backs.

MVP- Jerricho Cotchery, is going to rock the party, with a lot of help from Favre.

LVP- LJ. He has to show us something before I take him out of either the LVP slot or the Doghouse.

Doghouse Dandy- LJ. See above rational.


The 'Is Ohio State In Town, Because It's Showtime!' Tier
(For teams that obviously have what it takes to beat the big boys)

3) America's Team VII
David is good. If he trades either Brees or Manning, and at this pace it looks like it should be Manning, he will likely rank higher than three. As is, this is his place. Good enough to beat good teams, good enough to contend, but perhaps not quite good enough to win it all.

MVP- Drew Brees will kick the crap out of Denver. If Phillip Rivers can do it, Drew Brees can definitely do it.

LVP- Alge Crumpler/ L.J. Smith will easily be the weak link on this squad of giants once again. Neither has done anything yet, and neither will do anything this week.

Doghouse Dandy- Peyton Manning. It's not that Peyton has played bad, it's more that he is a stud who has to sit the bench due to Brees. As always either Manning or Brees should be traded in for an upgrade at a position that David could use help at.


2) daytwodaddy
Jerad is a real threat to unseat the No. 1 ranked club. He is loaded with talent, especially at the receiver position. Grant is struggling but Jerad found a diamond in Matt Forte, so it hasn't mattered much.

MVP- Terrell Owens is going to score another couple of touchdowns this week.

LVP- Bryant Johnson. He isn't very good. He can't have two good games in a row. It's written down somewhere.

Doghouse Dandy- Ray Rice has had the starting gig for two straight weeks, and for two straight weeks has done nothing with it.


The 'You're The Best, Around!' Tier
(For the best around)

1) Evil Petting Zoo
Doug is flat out loaded this year. With that said guys like Bush, Turner, and Gore could start unexpectedly sucking at anytime. They haven't yet though.

Though Gore did fumble last week.

MVP- Frank Gore. Count me among those who expect big things from Gore against the Lions.

LVP- Reggie Bush. I just don't see it against the Vikings. Shoot me.

Doghouse Dandy- Jake Delhomme hasn't done so well. Doug needs him to play better if he wants to stay ahead of Jerad and David.