Today we have the chance to get to know one of the most radiant personalities in the entire league; Nick Nevares.
Mr. Nevares can be called many things (scum bag, deviant, irritating, not funny, ect...) but above all things he should be called, fantasy obsessed.
The man lives and breathes fantasy sports. In no way is that a bad thing.
Now if you will, please enjoy yourselves as you breathe in Nick Nevares himself.
Enjoy.
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BB: Nicholas, you were known to meander inside T-MOF's website and take a gander from time to time, long before you became a member; what inspired you most, and what implored you to join these ranks?
NN: I must say that the appealing picture of one Ben Bates and Mr. Dennis creatively reaching over their collective shoulders, in efforts to make a Dodger Stadium catch, originally caught my eye. Currently my friends and I discuss the merits of the T-MOF blog and wonder if we could construct such a wondrous work of art. I must say I just enjoy the feeling of camaraderie. I just hope that it takes a swing in the positive direction as soon as I get LJ off my team. Speaking of which, Ben, I have some swampland in Florida to sell you? And may I mention that swampland throws drinks in the face of women? While on that note Ben, please help me understand why exactly a man can chop up some coke in his car and then go out and turn in 6 catches for 77, which a poor brother who spills one drink sits down for 3 weeks? That must be it, Roger G hates the black man!
BB: You are a racial informant we all can get on board with. If you could change any one thing about fantasy sports, what would you change and why?
NN: I am in an open debate here between:
a) A requirement of an in person draft. I don't care if this occurs via web cam or anything, but there must be face to face contact between all owners. I will always think back about how I chose to tell our friend Tom, that his buddy Mike was late to the league draft because he was busy banging Tom's wife. That, in turn caused Tom to completely unravel for the rest of the draft and fall apart as an owner for years to come. It literally crushed his fantasy baseball draft nearly eight months later. I will never forget that as my greatest contribution to fantasy. Although, he may have punched me in the face had the draft been in person. Still....an essential plan.
b) Eliminate kickers. Seriously, its a crap shoot. What real worth does it have to watch wheter Ryan Longwell can rain another 50 plus yarder in an attempt to win you a game? I just hate everything about Kickers. Really now, Jose Cortez comes in from a Home Depot job to kick field goals for the Niners? Then, he parlays that into a career of kicking for America's Team after that? Jesus lord Christ, people are serious with this aren't they? Kickers are allowed to play football. My head is currently shaking. I hate kickers.
BB: Somehow you managed to parlay a simple question into a Jose Cortez rant. The world looks up to you in awe of your brilliance! If you owned an Irish pub, what would you call it and what style of owner/ bartender would you be?
NN: Oh goodness, that is actually a challenge. I cannot immediately come up with some witty quip in an effort to humor all those near to me. I may go with a Nicolas O'Murphy's. I think it would be a little bit of a shout out to the Jose O'Rielly's, Carols Murphy's trend. I would certainly have the little rivery lake, its a small world water feature that the Carlos Murphy's down here in Grossmont center had. That thing was freaking amazing. The only difference being that my pub would be absolutely out of control. I would be the loudest, sports cheering bartender ever. I must say that being able to yell at the top of my lungs and kick people out on a whim has its certain appeal. The question being, do I need to learn all things Irish? Like must I learn about, shit they call it different stuff, I teach an ESPN article about this in class. Gaelic Football? That's the Irish term for Rugby isn't it? Yeah, I am only showing that on all my TVs. I wonder if there is s DirecTV package to allow me access to all the games. Hmm, note to self.
BB: Any sports bar with rugby, is my kind of sports bar. Say you are put in charge of creating a giant balloon character for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade; what would your character be?
NN: Captain Planet. The throw back. Are you serious? Imagine that guy just floating down the street. The young kids are like mom what the hell is that silver painted, green-haired douche doing floating where a Cheetah Girl should be? In all truth, that would be the high point of my life to see him soaring high in the sky once more. It is a timeless symbol of my youth, and really a credit to all of society. With our powers combined, we can see his return
BB: A throwback for the ages indeed! Fox puts you in charge of the next Simpsons episode with a sports theme; who would you put in the show, and what would it be about?
NN: I would immediately discontinue the show and save America. The last time the Simpsons were funny, were the days I was a legend in StickeyBear math and was being shuttled off from my 3rd grade peers to learn long division with the 4th graders. The Simpsons are evil
*Editor's Note* The Simpsons aren't evil. They are awesome. Always and forever.
BB: You have the opportunity to take the reins with any professional football team. Which team would you choose and what would your first move be?
NN: Niners. We know this. I immediately sign Isaac Bruce to a 40 year extension. For there on out, I only draft defensive talent, trade Nate Clements contract, cut Michael Lewis and build a young hardworking nucleus of talent. Get the defensive off the field and even Shaun Hill can lead us to victory.
BB: Your jester-like personality is infectious! You are presented with the opportunity to compensate Britton for selling him a bum XBOX 360; do you?
NN: That thing was beautiful. It came with free games just because I care about him. Bill Gates hatred for Britton is not my fault, and he knows it. The thing had a warranty, take it up with Xbox, I did...again, and got another one repaired.
*A Note From Britton* The XBOX in question did not come with a warranty.
BB: In all seriousness, would you rather be an average professional athlete with an average salary wins multiple championships (3-5) or an eventual hall-of-famer who is also paid like one, but never wins a championship?
NN: Robert Horry gets a ton of replays, has eight rings, but will never know what uniform to retire in. Tony Gwynn, is a god in this city. An obese, odd looking man, can sit in the stands whereever he goes and be thronged by swarms of human beings as if he is a Jonas brother. I know, that beyond a shadow of a doubt, you can keep all your rings, just give me my own wing in the Hall of Fame. I think there are few things that even compare to being the best at something.
It is sort of the way I envision playing Britton in NBA 2K9. I just see the constant spin moves with Chris Paul spinning around his Chris Kaman led defense. In all reality, that is the player I see myself as, a dynamic quick floor leader. Whereas, Britton, he remains a confused malcontent like Kaman, who sits alone in his home with his strange personality conflicts and even more depressing caveman hair. When that meets the strange bearded nonsense of a man who sold out America to make the Olympics as a German.
I cannot begin to understand how this has anything to do with Britton, but I am sure there was some logic to this particular attack on the innocent passersby.
BB: You have literally taken my breath away. Which Wizard of Oz character are you most like?
NN: The Cowardly Lion. But really only for the hair. I mean have you seen the glory of his perfectly manicured locks? Those things are a radiant golden shade. People don't have to hate on him because of his struggles with personal confidence. They just need to respect a man with amazing hair.
BB: Absolutely. What is your favorite fantasy word?
NN: Upside.
Are you serious? That is the word of the century. It is the reason people actually draft Kevin Love. How many white guys in the first round really do damage in the league? Did you know that Joel Pryzbilla was taken 9th overall? Really, did you know the Rockets spent the 9th overall pick on him. Think about that for a minute, just stop and think. New NBA rule....draft black guys. Its a simple strategy.
BB: And your least favorite?
NN: Projected value.
I watch ESPN every Sunday and it tells me how many catches, yards, and scores each player is going to get. Please, please share with me how Eric Karabell, and his glasses, really understands the dynamics of an entire football game. Honestly, I wish they didn't even do a projected value. I was told Devin Hester lost his value, that he wouldn't return kicks, time to dump him in all but the deepest of leagues....so I benched him, and he went off for 11 points. Those points would have won me the game...but he was on my bench. Next year, delete the projections and let me go at it willy nilly. Hell, I am only going to start reading stats out of the newspaper from now on.
BB: Let's try a round of word association. I'll say a word or phrase and you say whatever comes to your mind first.
BB: Rudy; NN: Casciato...sorry only Britton gets it. The mans' phone number is written on my hands as I am typing this. Honestly, a quick second was....Johnson's Gucci Luggage.
BB: 5 dollar foot long; NN: At Subway....made by my criminal students and probably laced with some sort of drug product. Seriously, they all get high and then make me sandwiches. By the way, how come the ham sandwich is a 5 dollar footlong, but the turkey, or ham and turkey no longer is? That's horseshit
BB: Alex Smith; NN: Should have never left Helix High
BB: Doug Downing; NN: Doug Drabek?
BB: Very good.
BB: University of Oregon's football uniforms; NN: Prefontaine and Nike have given them too much money. But the yellow is the hotness
BB: Flatulence; NN: dutch oven
BB: John Madden; NN: Is a robot. My student insisted it was true and I fought to get him expelled every day for such a crime against the church
BB: Uro-Misotisis; NN: Popeye's chicken?
BB: I'm sorry. You biffed that one. Acceptable answers would have been, Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, or parking lot urination.
BB: Marvin Harrison's guns; NN: Safeties don't hit him as hard. Cause they know he be comin' at them in the streets if they do. He gets down and dirty. He has now joined the real longest yard team...along with Ray Lewis...and...OJ
BB: Jim Rome; NN: The white Stephen A. Smith
BB: If you could plant a half-empty bottle of Grey Goose and a hatchet in the trunk of any NFL player's vehicle, who's would you?
NN: Popeye Jones....shit he plays in the NBA. Roy Williams...the black one, not he KU coach, or the UT receiver, where did he go TAMU? the Safety? king horse collar? Yeah, him, I want him dead. Either him or...lets see...Roddy White, for not making me aware of the fact I should've keepered him. Can we go back in time and let me keep Roddy and not LJ, that may have changed the world. Let me do that, and all is well in this world
BB: I'm pleased to discover 'keeper' can be made into a verb. Say Jimmy Kimmel asks you to pull a prank on a person in this league he can film and run on his show; what would you do and to whom?
NN: I would prank Jimmy Kimmel. End of story. I also hate him.
BB: Humor us if you would; compare a few members of this league to Sesame Street characters.
NN: Britton is the Cookie Monster...obviously.
Ben is...what is Ben? In my heart, I see Ben as a bit of a Snuffleupagus. I mean he just has that kindly laissez-faire attitude to him
Ryan Root...seriously the only other name I know off the top of my head.....I see him more as a Nathan from Yo Gabba Gabba.
BB: Impressive, at least eight of us would have mentioned Kevin and Cory. And finally, if you could say anything to anyone, what would you say, and to whom?
NN: To Chris Malimban....Chris, I am sorry I grabbed that lose string on your backpack in third grade man...I just wanted to see what would happen if I ran and ran and ran with it. I guess, as it turns out, that tore your entire backpack across. Thankfully Mr. Anella was looking out for you and made me buy you a new one. Sadly, I saw you at Fashion Valley, like three years ago, and it seems as if you have fallen on tough time man. Your hair was a mess, and you have more piercings than I do video games...so man, I guess I really did you wrong. My bad I guess?
And on that note....Seacrest out!
BB: Fascinating! That is other than the part about Ryan Seacrest of course. Nicholas, it has been nothing short of an honor and a pleasure to spend an evening with you.
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